Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Heart Anniversaries and How to “Celebrate” a Loss by Heather J. Kirk



Let's talk about why holidays can be so hard on some people. But before that, we must understand what I call ‘loss anniversaries’ or ‘heart anniversaries’. These are not the well-advertised universal celebrations that the world insists on reminding us all that they are coming, and how they are supposed to be amazing and exciting gatherings of family and loved ones. For those without close family or significant others to celebrate with, it is obvious how those can cause depression and disappointment for some. It may be the lack of people to spend it with, it may be the absence of someone dearly missed, it could be a comparison of how good these times were in the past to the present (and sometimes with new people who can’t live up to “ghosts,”) or it can even be memories of terrible times of loss, pain  or trauma that just can’t be forgotten.  

While public holidays are hard to miss, heart anniversaries tend to sneak up on us. It may be someone’s birthday that you no longer jot in your calendar,  the anniversary of someone’s death when you didn’t even realize you remembered the date, or no longer anticipating a special event with someone who left, either because of a death or no longer being a part of your life. Though these are not broadcast across TV and social media, they are being broadcast within yourself, casting a shadow onto your emotions and your memory. Only thing is that even if we do remember these dates, seldom are we consciously aware that they are approaching.  Once several years have passed, we may be surprised to get half way through the day of your ex’s birthday, or only remember days later that it would have been your 20th wedding anniversary ‘had she lived’. But our spirits and bodies remember even when we don’t, and in fact often notice well in advance of an upcoming date that once was important to us. We may not understand at the time why ‘for no reason at all’ we are experiencing overwhelming sadness, have a random feeling of loss, or even feel suddenly anxious or angry. In that week or two leading up to that loss anniversary we don't recognize it for what it is, until suddenly the date is upon you. More often we ‘get it’ once we recognize it’s someone's birthday who has passed, but we may never make the connection to a death date, the date that a divorce was asked for or made official, or the last time we made love. We rarely are cognizant of why we are particularly emotional, weepy, anxious, distractible, irritable our outright angry during this time frame. 

A relationship that I valued greatly ended recently, and though I saw the signs of the end coming, I did not understand why it was happening. I found that I experienced great joy in this person’s presence and I thought he was experiencing the same thing. To discover that it was not the case was a bit shocking to me and I was grieving not only the loss of the relationship, but also a sense that I could not trust myself to discern what was really going on. Had I deceived myself? Had I misjudged this person so wrongly? And if so, could I be trusted to make good choices for myself in the future. It was a relationship worth grieving, but at some point I had to admit it had only been a few months, and the loss, anxiety and anger I was experiencing was a bit out of line with the length of time we'd been together, as well as with my character. And then my father’s birthday arrived, my father who had died 34 years earlier, and the day after I seemed more able to feel the loss of the recent relationship back at a more realistic level for the circumstances, still truly a loss but not a roller coaster of conflicting emotions. 

But when private loss anniversaries and public holidays occur close together, especially ones like Valentine's Day or New Year’s Eve, which are specifically supposed to be about love, it makes these holidays even harder, because it feels like the whole world is noticing you are alone and ASKING about it! It is important to recognize for ourselves how loss anniversaries tie into public holidays - so that we understand what is happening to our emotional undercurrents (or tidal waves). We need to learn how to take care of ourselves, especially if we notice (or others mention that) we are over-reacting to a public holiday or a private loss anniversary). This includes doing what may seem counterproductive – not only put the date in our calendar but even put a note a week in advance that the loss anniversary is coming. We may want to forget all about them, but it is better to grieve these losses consciously, not to bury them, because IF you are susceptible to these kinds of anniversaries you already starting to realize they are not truly buried. 

Soon after my father’s death when I was 18 and my youngest brother was 12, we used to climb into my mom’s bed on dad’s birthday and talk about good memories. Once my brothers got married, their wives thought that was a little weird (lol), so we started calling each other instead. Now we may do a group text or post a photo on Facebook and comment. It’s been a very healthy way of honoring my dad, and I have not been overwhelmed by it in decades…until I had a breakup the week prior. But with enough experience in the area, as soon as his birthday hit I was able to identify what was going on and bring my emotions back in line with reality.  

Create some healthy rituals around the date that is difficult for you. Maybe call a friend or family member (agree to it in advance please – you want them to be ready also); maybe buy a cupcake and put a candle in it. Write a letter, get a massage, walk on the beach. It’s your ritual and your healing – so be conscious and intentional about it. Get help if you need it, write in a journal, pray about it and offer up your feelings and pain to God, write down your anger and then burn It… whatever ritual you need to do, do it. IF it doesn’t work, try something else. But it is important to intentionally decide not to let the overwhelming emotions control you and certainly not harm any existing and living relationships. It helps to know what is happening to us so that we do not allow public holidays to hurt us as badly, and that we do not allow jealousy consume us, or that we not feel the need to put down other people's happiness. 

So though it may not be all flowers and chocolate, on this Valentine's Day I do wish for you a truly healing love.



Be blessed My Purposeful People! Heather


Wearable Art - Heather J Kirk's VIDA Collection: http://shopvida.com/collections/heather-j-kirk
and https://artofwhere.com/artists/heatherjkirk
Art by Heather J. Kirk http://heather-kirk.pixels.com
and http://AEC.pixels.com
Literature by Heather J. Kirk http://www.photographicartistry.citymax.com/Books.html

#valentinesday #heart #loss # #grieve #grief #loneliness #holiday #healthyrituals #holidaygrief #lostlove #divorce #death #flowersandchocolate #honoringloss #relationships #healing #family #love #heatherkirk #heatherjkirk #praythroughit #makeaplan #savethedate

Friday, March 30, 2012

Decay in the Foundation

A friend who works in a dental office had told her son he needed to brush very careful all around his braces, so he didn't end up with decay under the metal bands. He took the advice very seriously, and paid special attention to keeping his braces extremely clean. When he got his braces off after two painful years, the dentist did not find a single cavity...near the bands. Instead he found several small cavities on the chewing surface. You see, he had paid so much attention to the braces, he forgot about the most obvious part of his teeth - where he chewed his food.


This is such a profound metaphor in our day to day lives. How many of us spend an inordinate amount of time focused on things like our jobs, being there for our friends, even serving in church - none of which are bad things - only to find we have completely neglected the foundations of our lives - family and God. And the result is that our lives begin to decay at the core.


Maybe it's time to brush up on the basics!







Heather J. Kirk

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Unconditional Love at the Free Throw Line

I took a walk around my “block” today – a big block that takes about 15 minutes at a good pace. I have an Omron Pedometer (http://astore.amazon.com/photographi0b-20/detail/B00435Z3Z0) and my goal is to get a minimum of 4000 steps a day, 1800 of which are “Aerobic Steps”. This route – let’s check - gave me 1885 aerobic steps. It also measures calories burned and distance walked. I’m not doing very well at getting to the desired 10,000 steps a day… Here’s a book to help if needed: The Step Diet - http://astore.amazon.com/photographi0b-20/detail/B0019MX6ZY


A father and daughter are taking turns shooting a basketball and the 10 year old tries from the same place her dad took is last shot – well beyond the free throw line. Her underhanded throw goes almost straight up in the air. Her dad, standing under the basket, deadpans, “No, over here.” She and I both laugh. There is nothing critical in his voice, and love comes through in the joke, that the daughter gets. Though she may not be confident in her basketball skills, it is clear she is confident in herself, because it doesn’t matter that she just completely missed. I am sure that confidence comes from her certainty that her father loves her.



Here’s the next amazing thing. She gives the ball to him for his turn. Maybe it’s a little girl’s thing about fairness – they are taking turns, she had her turn, now it’s his. What’s the big deal, you ask. If it were a boy, if it were me even, here’s what I would most likely say, “That didn’t count as my turn.” And I would try again. But she has no doubt whatsoever that her father will not hog the ball, will not play unfairly, will not even give her a lesson on how to be better! He takes his shot, makes it, and bounces it back to her to take her next shot from wherever she wants – which happens to be almost under the basket.


Now, you want to know if she makes the basket, don’t you? I have no idea, I was walking and I don’t look back. It doesn’t matter, it was about them being together, no pressure, just having fun!



By Heather J. Kirk

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Invitation to Queretaro

April 2009

Perhaps a visit to Queretaro, Mexico, in April of 2009 is a strange place to officially start “Calendar Memoirs,” a blog about my 8 months in the Dominican Republic in 2010. But I have put off starting for so long, perhaps I had to reach back to the true beginnings.

Cousin Nancy (my father’s cousin) was special to me for many reasons, but one was that, other than my brothers, I considered her the last living relative of my deceased father. They were very close as children on into adulthood. Nancy and I had many shared interests, and I hope calling myself an intellectual like her is not too presupposing. We both love art, learning, museums, and history within the cultural context.

Nancy and her second husband Hank lived in various countries teaching English as a Second Language, and as an older adult Nancy started taking Spanish classes. Nancy decided to house-sit for a month in Queretaro, Mexico, and asked me to join her for the week following Hank’s return to their home in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I think there was something comforting in having me with her, as one of my degrees is in Spanish.

Heather J. Kirk

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Amazing Friends Ask "How Can We Help?" An example to follow...

A close family member recently became very ill and my mother asked me to contact some friends. When I stopped by and shared the news, first they listened, then asked "How can we help?"

I didn't know how to answer that question in the moment, but the offer created peace. If we needed something, I knew where to comfortably go for assistance.

But the offer didn't stop there, they began to offer ways to help. This is a fantastic way to be of help - because someone is under stress or shock it's hard to think of what you need.

Here are some things they came up with: Pray and contact the pastor, e-mail friends (they took notes on the situation to make sure they got the information right), keep an eye on the house, take people to or pick up people at the airport.

In addition to asking how to help the people affected, they also wanted to know what they could do to help me personally.

What a fantastic example of how to be a true friend to someone in need.

My favorite way to help me in the moment: "Can we send you home with some 'Prozac"?" Code for double fudge brownies!

Thank you! For the brownies, for the offer to help, for thinking up ways to help even when I could not, and for a wonderful example to follow.

Heather

Friday, March 4, 2011

bonding through sneakers

Last night I watched the movie (DVD) Children from Heaven. In this Iranian film (English subtitles or choice between Farsi and French languages) a brother and sister are forced to share one pair of sneakers. Through their secret and their stuggles a sweet bond grows, though it stays real - with the same frustrations all siblings cause one another. Though I'm not sure why, I was surprised and reminded that chilren are children, the whole world over. We are not all that different in the end.

From our omnipresent view we begin to see that thier struggles may indeed bring great blessings, even when they themselves connot yet see it.

I think, "I wish my life were like this movie" - not in the plot itself, but that I could get prophetic glimpes of how each trial might make me stronger or bring me amazing opportunities I would otherwise not be prepared to face or prevail over. I wish I could see what was happening on the other side of the city, or the other side of the world, "chance" encounters or a "random gift", like shoes being accidentally thrown out, and know for sure that difficulties could create beauty in life and in relationships. I want to learn how to accept those "misunderstandings" with the eyes and the creativity of a child.

(Children of Heaven is available through Netflix)

Heather J. Kirk, Photographer, Author, Graphic Designer."We..." an e-book at: photographicartistry.citymax.com/BooksFind her art at: Artist Websitesand HeatherJKirk.com