Let's talk
about why holidays can be so hard on some people. But before that, we must
understand what I call ‘loss anniversaries’ or ‘heart anniversaries’. These are
not the well-advertised universal celebrations that the world insists on
reminding us all that they are coming, and how they are supposed to be amazing and
exciting gatherings of family and loved ones. For those without close family or
significant others to celebrate with, it is obvious how those can cause
depression and disappointment for some. It may be the lack of people to spend
it with, it may be the absence of someone dearly missed, it could be a
comparison of how good these times were in the past to the present (and
sometimes with new people who can’t live up to “ghosts,”) or it can even be
memories of terrible times of loss, pain or trauma that just can’t be forgotten. 
While public holidays are hard to miss, heart anniversaries
tend to sneak up on us. It may be someone’s birthday that you no longer jot in
your calendar, the anniversary of
someone’s death when you didn’t even realize you remembered the date, or no
longer anticipating a special event with someone who left, either because of a
death or no longer being a part of your life. Though these are not broadcast
across TV and social media, they are being broadcast within yourself, casting a
shadow onto your emotions and your memory. Only thing is that even if we do remember
these dates, seldom are we consciously aware that they are approaching. Once several years have passed, we may be surprised
to get half way through the day of your ex’s birthday, or only remember days
later that it would have been your 20th wedding anniversary ‘had she
lived’. But our spirits and bodies remember even when we don’t, and in fact
often notice well in advance of an upcoming date that once was important to us.
We may not understand at the time why ‘for no reason at all’ we are
experiencing overwhelming sadness, have a random feeling of loss, or even feel
suddenly anxious or angry. In that week or two leading up to that loss
anniversary we don't recognize it for what it is, until suddenly the date is
upon you. More often we ‘get it’ once we recognize it’s someone's birthday who
has passed, but we may never make the connection to a death date, the date that
a divorce was asked for or made official, or the last time we made love. We
rarely are cognizant of why we are particularly emotional, weepy, anxious,
distractible, irritable our outright angry during this time frame.
A relationship that I valued greatly ended recently, and
though I saw the signs of the end coming, I did not understand why it was
happening. I found that I experienced great joy in this person’s presence and I thought
he was experiencing the same thing. To discover that it was not the case was a
bit shocking to me and I was grieving not only the loss of the relationship,
but also a sense that I could not trust myself to discern what was really going
on. Had I deceived myself? Had I misjudged this person so wrongly? And if so,
could I be trusted to make good choices for myself in the future. It was a
relationship worth grieving, but at some point I had to admit it had only been
a few months, and the loss, anxiety and anger I was experiencing was a bit out
of line with the length of time we'd been together, as well as with my character. And then my
father’s birthday arrived, my father who had died 34 years earlier, and the day
after I seemed more able to feel the loss of the recent relationship back at a
more realistic level for the circumstances, still truly a loss but not a roller coaster of conflicting emotions. 
But when private loss anniversaries and public holidays occur
close together, especially ones like Valentine's Day or New Year’s Eve, which are
specifically supposed to be about love, it makes these holidays even harder,
because it feels like the whole world is noticing you are alone and ASKING
about it! It is important to recognize for ourselves how loss anniversaries tie
into public holidays - so that we understand what is happening to our emotional
undercurrents (or tidal waves). We need to learn how to take care of ourselves,
especially if we notice (or others mention that) we are over-reacting to a
public holiday or a private loss anniversary). This includes doing what may
seem counterproductive – not only put the date in our calendar but even put a
note a week in advance that the loss anniversary is coming. We may want to
forget all about them, but it is better to grieve these losses consciously, not
to bury them, because IF you are susceptible to these kinds of anniversaries
you already starting to realize they are not truly buried.
Soon after my father’s death when I was 18 and my youngest
brother was 12, we used to climb into my mom’s bed on dad’s birthday and talk
about good memories. Once my brothers got married, their wives thought that was
a little weird (lol), so we started calling each other instead. Now we may do a
group text or post a photo on Facebook and comment. It’s been a very healthy
way of honoring my dad, and I have not been overwhelmed by it in decades…until
I had a breakup the week prior. But with enough experience in the area, as soon
as his birthday hit I was able to identify what was going on and bring my
emotions back in line with reality.
Create some healthy rituals around the date that is difficult
for you. Maybe call a friend or family member (agree to it in advance please –
you want them to be ready also); maybe buy a cupcake and put a candle in it.
Write a letter, get a massage, walk on the beach. It’s your ritual and your
healing – so be conscious and intentional about it. Get help if you need it, write
in a journal, pray about it and offer up your feelings and pain to God, write down
your anger and then burn It… whatever ritual you need to do, do it. IF it doesn’t
work, try something else. But it is important to intentionally decide not to
let the overwhelming emotions control you and certainly not harm any existing
and living relationships. It helps to know what is happening to us so that we
do not allow public holidays to hurt us as badly, and that we do not allow jealousy
consume us, or that we not feel the need to put down other people's happiness. So though it may not be all flowers and chocolate, on this Valentine's Day I do wish for you a truly healing love.
Be blessed My Purposeful People! Heather
Wearable Art - Heather J Kirk's VIDA Collection: http://shopvida.com/collections/heather-j-kirk
and https://artofwhere.com/artists/heatherjkirk
Art by Heather J. Kirk http://heather-kirk.pixels.com
and http://AEC.pixels.com
Literature by Heather J. Kirk http://www.photographicartistry.citymax.com/Books.html
#valentinesday #heart #loss # #grieve #grief #loneliness #holiday #healthyrituals #holidaygrief #lostlove #divorce #death #flowersandchocolate #honoringloss #relationships #healing #family #love #heatherkirk #heatherjkirk #praythroughit #makeaplan #savethedate
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