Heart Anniversaries and How to “Celebrate” a Loss by Heather J. Kirk

Let's talk about why holidays can be so hard on some people. But before that, we must understand what I call ‘loss anniversaries’ or ‘heart anniversaries’. These are not the well-advertised universal celebrations that the world insists on reminding us all that they are coming, and how they are supposed to be amazing and exciting gatherings of family and loved ones. For those without close family or significant others to celebrate with, it is obvious how those can cause depression and disappointment for some. It may be the lack of people to spend it with, it may be the absence of someone dearly missed, it could be a comparison of how good these times were in the past to the present (and sometimes with new people who can’t live up to “ghosts,”) or it can even be memories of terrible times of loss, pain  or trauma that just can’t be forgotten.  

While public holidays are hard to miss, heart anniversaries tend to sneak up on us. It may be someone’s birthday that you no longer jot in your calendar,  the anniversary of someone’s death when you didn’t even realize you remembered the date, or no longer anticipating a special event with someone who left, either because of a death or no longer being a part of your life. Though these are not broadcast across TV and social media, they are being broadcast within yourself, casting a shadow onto your emotions and your memory. Only thing is that even if we do remember these dates, seldom are we consciously aware that they are approaching.  Once several years have passed, we may be surprised to get half way through the day of your ex’s birthday, or only remember days later that it would have been your 20^th wedding anniversary ‘had she lived’. But our spirits and bodies remember even when we don’t, and in fact often notice well in advance of an upcoming date that once was important to us. We may not understand at the time why ‘for no reason at all’ we are experiencing overwhelming sadness, have a random feeling of loss, or even feel suddenly anxious or angry. In that week or two leading up to that loss anniversary we don't recognize it for what it is, until suddenly the date is upon you. More often we ‘get it’ once we recognize it’s someone's birthday who has passed, but we may never make the connection to a death date, the date that a divorce was asked for or made official, or the last time we made love. We rarely are cognizant of why we are particularly emotional, weepy, anxious, distractible, irritable our outright angry during this time frame. 

A relationship that I valued greatly ended recently, and though I saw the signs of the end coming, I did not understand why it was happening. I found that I experienced great joy in this person’s presence and I thought he was experiencing the same thing. To discover that it was not the case was a bit shocking to me and I was grieving not only the loss of the relationship, but also a sense that I could not trust myself to discern what was really going on. Had I deceived myself? Had I misjudged this person so wrongly? And if so, could I be trusted to make good choices for myself in the future. It was a relationship worth grieving, but at some point I had to admit it had only been a few months, and the loss, anxiety and anger I was experiencing was a bit out of line with the length of time we'd been together, as well as with my character. And then my father’s birthday arrived, my father who had died 34 years earlier, and the day after I seemed more able to feel the loss of the recent relationship back at a more realistic level for the circumstances, still truly a loss but not a roller coaster of conflicting emotions. 

But when private loss anniversaries and public holidays occur close together, especially ones like Valentine's Day or New Year’s Eve, which are specifically supposed to be about love, it makes these holidays even harder, because it feels like the whole world is noticing you are alone and ASKING about it! It is important to recognize for ourselves how loss anniversaries tie into public holidays - so that we understand what is happening to our emotional undercurrents (or tidal waves). We need to learn how to take care of ourselves, especially if we notice (or others mention that) we are over-reacting to a public holiday or a private loss anniversary). This includes doing what may seem counterproductive – not only put the date in our calendar but even put a note a week in advance that the loss anniversary is coming. We may want to forget all about them, but it is better to grieve these losses consciously, not to bury them, because IF you are susceptible to these kinds of anniversaries you already starting to realize they are not truly buried. 

Soon after my father’s death when I was 18 and my youngest brother was 12, we used to climb into my mom’s bed on dad’s birthday and talk about good memories. Once my brothers got married, their wives thought that was a little weird (lol), so we started calling each other instead. Now we may do a group text or post a photo on Facebook and comment. It’s been a very healthy way of honoring my dad, and I have not been overwhelmed by it in decades…until I had a breakup the week prior. But with enough experience in the area, as soon as his birthday hit I was able to identify what was going on and bring my emotions back in line with reality.  

Create some healthy rituals around the date that is difficult for you. Maybe call a friend or family member (agree to it in advance please – you want them to be ready also); maybe buy a cupcake and put a candle in it. Write a letter, get a massage, walk on the beach. It’s your ritual and your healing – so be conscious and intentional about it. Get help if you need it, write in a journal, pray about it and offer up your feelings and pain to God, write down your anger and then burn It… whatever ritual you need to do, do it. IF it doesn’t work, try something else. But it is important to intentionally decide not to let the overwhelming emotions control you and certainly not harm any existing and living relationships. It helps to know what is happening to us so that we do not allow public holidays to hurt us as badly, and that we do not allow jealousy consume us, or that we not feel the need to put down other people's happiness. 

So though it may not be all flowers and chocolate, on this Valentine's Day I do wish for you a truly healing love.

Be blessed My Purposeful People! Heather


Wearable Art - Heather J Kirk's VIDA Collection: http://shopvida.com/collections/heather-j-kirk
and https://artofwhere.com/artists/heatherjkirk
Art by Heather J. Kirk http://heather-kirk.pixels.com
and http://AEC.pixels.com
Literature by Heather J. Kirk http://www.photographicartistry.citymax.com/Books.html

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Queretaro, Mexico, April 24th, 2009: Machismo - perpetuated by a woman

April 24th, 2009: The office of the Queretaro Ministry of Tourism gave away postcards with pictures of tourist and cultural sites. You fill them out with an address and a message, and they mail them for you for free. It’s my brother Stuart’s birthday, so I make one out for him, then ask if I can send more. They let me send to the whole family (pretty inexpensive advertising for the city– what a great idea). I think they arrive about four months later though. Probably sent only when the box fills up…

Nancy and I have lunch with a friend of hers in a café inside of a bookstore. We have the Comida Corrida (sometimes called Comida Corriente) – a set meal or the’ meal of the day’ – common for Mexico. An inexpensive meal the restaurant chooses for that day. You can order off the regular menu but it will be more expensive and take longer. I don’t recall now what it was, other than it was wonderful. And they also brought out a pitcher of Agua de something. Agua de sandia or agua de pina (pineapple water) – a lightly sweetened juice/water blend.

The friend is an American woman who is married to a Mexican man, and she is horrified by the story I tell of my meal the night before. I should not have talked to men I don’t know, I certainly should not have eaten with them, and definitely not let them pay for my meal (as if I had a choice in that). They were after ‘you know what’. I state they were both married, wore wedding rings, and told me about their wives. That doesn’t matter, she insists, just told for clarification purposes when they try to get you know what anyway. Then she asks a bit confused as it is not common practice among Mexican men, “They were wearing rings?” When I tell her they asked if I had a safe way home, walked me to the taxi stand and left, she could not let go of her doubt about their intent. Nancy and I both agree later that we are glad we don’t have such fears about talking to strangers. It also is indicative of her expectations of her own husband, or perhaps of Mexican women’s expectations regarding their Mexican husbands. Of course one should be wise and not naïve, but as she was married to a Mexican man well known in the city, she would not have the same freedom we did as tourists. And she has a reputation – both hers and her husband’s - to protect.

This is an important lesson – that as a resident in another culture it is important to learn the norms of behavior, and how it is interpreted by that culture – especially when it comes to relationships between men and women. And while male–female friendships are a norm, or taken for granted as possible, in the US … it appears no one believes it is possible in a Latin culture. (Yes, I am foreshadowing trouble in my future.)

It is also perhaps why American tourists, especially women, are seen as “loose” or “easy” sexually. I cannot comment on the actual accuracy of that, though my guess it is not as true as many think – but I do know that what really happens is not as important as what others think happens. If women tells a man ‘let’s just be friend’ and the man’s friends think he was intimate with the woman, only the rare man (Latino or not) is going to try to set the record straight.

Heather J. Kirk

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